23 June 1925

Last night I could not sleep at all. The excitement to visit my auntie’s house to meet Nalini is beyond my control. I have not had a chance to tell Aaditya about my trip. But I sure he must already know. I should ask him if he wants me to ask Nalini something on his behalf.
Today I looked through my trunk for fancy clothes and took out a few of the saris that I thought would be good to take with me. But mother came in the room and rejected all of them. She said the blouses must be smaller for me now. But I tried a few of them on after mother left and found that most of them fitted me perfectly. I will try to sneak in a few of the saris, particularly the pale pink sari, which is my favorite. The last time I wore that somebody said that the sari was of the same color as my skin. I don’t think mother liked that comment even a bit because she gave me the same upward nod without a smile. I know that I must not meet her approval because I am not even half as beautiful as my mother. She must be so disappointed although she doesn’t say much I can tell. To me my mother is a goddess. I sometime wonder about the softness of her skin, which is paler than mine. If only my skin was not that pinkish I could have matched my mother’s skin tone. Her nose is so pointed and dainty. I find it so funny when during winters her nose remains red while her whole face stays whiter than ever. But the best part of my mother’s face is her narrow forehead. I have never seen it without a big red vermillion bindi. I love to watch my mother on days she washes her hair and lets them open to dry. Usually she keeps her head covered but on those days when she washes her hair you could see how thick really is her hair. The way the soft curls of her drying hair start to frame her face she seems so vulnerable then and so delicate that I almost get tempted to go and sit in her lap. It takes hours for her to dry her hair and even in winter afternoons when everybody likes to sit in the sun she sits in the shade watching others. Actually, she cannot sit in the sun because her skin burns easily. The problem is that she doesn’t allow me to sit in the sun either. I remember how she was angry at a woman servant who was calling me to sit in the sun. What do you think you are trying to do to her, asking to her to come and sit in the sun? she had said. I have to get the girl married one day don’t burn her skin as it is she is darker than most in the family.
I wonder what my mother thinks of my father though because he is definitely darker than all of us. But he is a very handsome man. On days he wears his white Nehru coat he looks very dashing. I love his nose it is not small like my mother’s nose. It is straight and big and pointed like a parrot’s beak. My father is a very authoritative person when he talks, people listen. But when mother talks he listens. I think he respects her a lot. Because I have witnessed how he handles business. I will write about this particular incident because it is a fond memory of mine. Only a month ago when I was on the terrace I heard voices coming from the courtyard, which separates our main house from father’s bungalow where he meets the white men. Bhola Yadav, the big burly servant, was standing holding another man, by his upper arm. It was obvious that the man was in some sort of trouble. I was so curious to know what this man had done. I was not able to see my father from the terrace but knew that he must be sitting on the big chair that was in the verandah of our main house. I want to see how stately my father must look sitting in that big chair with faces of lions on the edge of its arm rests.
My father’s firm voice echoed in the empty courtyard. What is this Mania? This is the third month that you have not paid the taxes. What should I tell the British sarkar?
I don’t know them, you are everything to me, said Mania in a trembling voice.
But I shall have to give them an explanation. You know that I have to report the tax collected from my area.
I know that babu but you know how the herd of blue bulls ruined so many of our crops. I have had practically no yield. I don’t know how will manage my daughter’s wedding, which is approaching. I had so many hopes with this year’s crop babu.
It was evident from the voice that the man was in tears.
Do you know about this Bhola?
Yes, said Bhola.
When is the wedding?
In a fortnight babu.
Bhola ask Pandey to come out.
Yes babu ji.
Pandey, give Mania five hundred rupees for his daughter’s wedding. Will that be enough?
Yes babu. When do I have to return it?
You don’t.
My father is a kind man and that incident has made him my hero. I think he and Aaditya are the perfect men that God made and my mother must be the perfect woman.
But today I am rather upset with my mother. Apart from telling not to take my favorite sari for my journey she also said that I cannot Raamkali, this is rather absurd because I was expecting that she would be the one insisting me to take Raamkali with me. Mother surprises me sometimes. But I would love one surprise from her and that is when, like Raamkali’s mother, she would come and cuddle me in her arms and kiss my forehead and face.
Let’s see what the sari saleswoman brings home tomorrow. I will try to get another pale pink sari and if mother does not let me have one I shall steal the one I already have in my travel trunk.

22 June 1925

Today I am very happy. I just learnt that Aaditya is going to get married. I want to know so much more about the girl he will be marrying. I know she should be beautiful because my brother is extremely handsome. If she is not beautiful I will not allow her into my house. And there is another good news as well Raamkali is also getting married. First I was sad that she will be going away but then she told me that she will only get married now but will not be sent away for the next five years. “Maybe by that time even you will be married, didi.” I don’t know why she calls me didi when she is two years older to me. I think it is because despite being my playmate she is a servant. After all she was hired to be my playmate. The good thing is that her wedding will be after Aaditya’s wedding and I am sure mother will give her a lot of good clothes, which she will be able to use for her own wedding. But right now I am thinking about Aaditya’s wedding and who is that girl who father chose to be Aaditya’s bride. They don’t tell me anything so I asked Raamkali if she knew anything about that. And she told me that my mother has told her mother that the girl is from a family of landlords as well. My father’s sister by an uncle has seen her during a wedding and told him that she is extremely beautiful. Mother told Raamkali’s mother that if that sister by an uncle of my father says that the girl is beautiful then she really must be because that sister of my father can find fault even in an angel from heaven. After Raamkali told me that we both laughed for a while. I think I was laughing because I was relieved that my would-be sister-in-law is beautiful as I expected and Raamkali laughed because she didn’t know what else to do. I still wish I could see her before the wedding even though I know that that is not possible. I will ask Raamkali to find out if my sister-in-law will come back to our house after the wedding or will they also send her after five years.
…
Mother was just here in my room asking me what I was doing. When I told her that I was writing in my journal she just gave her head an upward nod. I never seem to understand what those nods mean approval or nonchalance. But the exciting news is that mother and father have decided for me to visit my aunt- my father’s cousin where Nalini- Aaditya’s bride-to-be- shall be visiting as well. I don’t know for what occasion I shall be visiting aunty and I don’t care either. All I know is that I shall be going there with my father in a week. In a week! I cannot believe that I shall be going in a week. In a week I shall meet the girl who will be my sister-in-law. As I write I think about Nalini. How old would she be? What will I ask her? Does she know about her marriage to Aaditya? Will she be surprised to find that I am her groom’s sister? Answers to all these questions will have to wait.
I have to also think about what to wear. Of course mother will have the maids pack the best of saris for me. But I hope that I can get new saris. Mother has always bought bland colors for me. I wish this time she would let me have the peacock silk sari that I liked the last time. If only the vendor brings with him this time. I have to think what else to take for my trip. Now I am thinking that I didn’t even ask mother how long my visit to aunt will be. If I have to guess it cannot be less than 10 days considering that it takes two days to reach her house.
Apart from meeting Nalini I am also excited about the other thing that mother told me - Nalini will be coming home soon after the wedding. It is good that our family doesn’t follow the same tradition as Raamkali’s family where the bride stays at her parents’ home for years before she goes to her husband’s house. Mother said that it happens only when the girls are married at a very early age. Raamkali is 10 years old, which means that at 15 her husband will come to get her. That sounds about right. And if I have to take a guess at Nalini’s age and the fact that she shall be coming home soon after the wedding- she should be no less than 14 and no more than 16 for mother says that 16 is a late age for girls to get married and 20 for boys. That often makes me think about my own marriage. I am sure mother and father will marry me off when I turn twelve, which means that I shall get to spend at least four years with Nalini. And if Kamal were to marry at 18 as well he shall get married the same time as I will. I really don’t care if I get to stay with Kamal’s wife or not. The truth is that I really don’t care to get married myself. The idea doesn’t seem very attractive to me to leave my parents and Aaditya and live with some other family. Who knows what kind of people they would be. But I don’t have to think about all that right now. Thank God!
Master Ganpat has come for my lessons so I will have to go. I have tried to finish the division problems without Aaditya’s help but I am not sure if they are all correct. I really don’t want to go but I know that I shall have to.
…
It was not as bad with Master Ganpat today as I was thinking. He was rather pleased that of the ten problems that he gave me I got seven correct. Truthfully, I was rather surprised myself and glad that I finally am getting the concept. I will tell Aaditya about this also I know he will be happy also to learn that he has a smart little sister.
I am so irritated with Raamkali today. Even though I asked her to she didn’t come to play with me today. God knows what gets into her head sometimes. I think she is getting too full of herself that among so many girls her age my mother chose her to be my playmate and maybe also that she is going to get married. I should ask mother to choose another girl for me to play with. I am just getting tired of Raamkali. But I think this girl is going to live for 100 years because as I write of her she comes running toward me. I will give her a piece of my mind today.
…
Now I feel bad that I was so upset with Raamkali today. She said that she and her brother were watching the chicks come out of the eggs. I had to stop her to take a breath when she was telling me about the chicks. Her words were tumbling over each other because she was so excited. It is very entertaining to watch her that way but it was getting difficult for me to understand the description of the chicks cracking the egg shells. So I asked her to start again with the story. There was a little hole in one of the eggs she said when this afternoon she and her brother were up the tree to peek into the bird’s nest. They first thought that that chick got out and was eaten by a snake or something but then the egg started to shake and a crack. They watched with open mouths. They sat up on the branch next to the nest while the mother bird hovered around them chirping vigorously. It took very long for the chick to crack open the shell but when it finally came out it was chirping loudly. How did it look? I asked. It was so ugly didi, is what Raamkali said. It was hairless and in place where the eyes should be there were blue bulges. And its beaks opened wide as if it was very hungry. It takes a week before the baby birds will open their eyes, Raamkali said. I asked if she could tell if it was a boy or a girl but Raamkali didn’t know how to tell that difference and neither did her brother. We laughed and laughed when I said if Raamkali could tell who the baby bird looked like her mother or father.
When I told Raamkali about my conversation with mother about Aaditya’s wedding she just listened with open mouth. I told her that maybe mother shall send her with me. Will you like to go with me? I asked. Raamkali said yes. But now I am not sure if it will be a good idea to take Raamkali with me. We will see.
Tomorrow my tutor who teaches me Hindi and Sanskrit comes. I like Hindi and Sanskrit. One day I will read all the books in father’s library. I have seen Aaditya sneaking out books from father’s library to read. But I think father knows about that and doesn’t mind.